Best Football Joke you Know | PASOTI
  • Welcome to PASOTI. Sponsored by Lang & Potter

Best Football Joke you Know

pafcprogs

🌟 Pasoti Laureate 🌟
Apr 3, 2008
1,128
2,583
Westerham Kent
In the town of Hamelin the Mayor was plagued by a horde of rats. Everywhere he turned the townsfolk complained about the rats stealing their food, biting their children and destroying their properties.

After a heated town meeting the Mayor contacted a renowned rat charmer, a Pied Piper who agreed to visit Hamelin. On doing so he demanded a sum of one hundred thousand gold florins to rid Hamelin of its infestation, a sum far beyond the towns resources.

Disheartened the Mayor walked home but got lost and found himself down a dark alley. At the end glowed a low light and a shop window. the sign above it read Potions and Plagues. He found himself pushing the door open and a tinkling bell quickly summoned a bent over man leaving heavily on a stick

The Mayor explained the problem and the man smiled and pointed to a golden rat in the window.

"Take the golden rat and hold it above your head. March around the town anti clockwise three times and then when you get the bridge, hurl the rat as far as you can. If you truly believe the rats will all drown."

The Mayor was doubtful , but asked the man how much.

"Thirty gold florins" came the reply.

The Mayor shrugged and handed over the coins as he felt he had nothing to lose. The next morning he found himself marching around the town, golden rat held aloft. The townsfolk pointed and scoffed but then came a rumbling of feet as thousands of rats began to follow the Mayor. Having followed the Mayor around the town three times he made it to the bridge, whereupon he hurled the rat far into the middle of the fast flowing waters. The rats followed and drowned.

The Mayor was hoisted on the shoulders of the townsfolk and paraded around the streets. Eventually, a little the worse for wear from celebrating he found himself again outside Potions and Plagues.

He pushed the door open and walked in. The wizened old man, as if by magic, appeared again.

"You have returned sir. I am afraid if the golden rat did not work then it is your belief that failed, not its power." He tapped. a sign above his head the Mayor had not previously seen, that read "No refunds".

"No No!" said the `Mayor. "It was just as you said. In fact I wondered , how much is that Golden Manchester United Fan in the window?"
 

pafcprogs

🌟 Pasoti Laureate 🌟
Apr 3, 2008
1,128
2,583
Westerham Kent
Each to their own I guess....

Many moons ago there was a Radio 4 programme called Week Ending....at the end of each show they had a section called Next Weeks News ( the MOS has ripped it off recently) which basically took a story from this week and twisted it.


The first joke I ever sold for cash type money was this one. twas a long time ago though...

"Queens Park Rangers are the only team to have their match called off when melting snow causes the Omniturf pitch to shrink"

The best thing was the show was broadcast at 11.25 PM on Friday and then repeated on early Saturday evening so you got paid a 50% repeat fee for the joke for it being on the very next day!
 
May 8, 2011
5,788
793
Told to me by an Evertonian..

What do you call a Liverpool fan that stands/sits on the Kop?

Answer: Norwegian!
 
Sep 6, 2006
16,422
3,961
pafcprogs":th856669 said:
Each to their own I guess....

Many moons ago there was a Radio 4 programme called Week Ending....at the end of each show they had a section called Next Weeks News ( the MOS has ripped it off recently) which basically took a story from this week and twisted it.


The first joke I ever sold for cash type money was this one. twas a long time ago though...

"Queens Park Rangers are the only team to have their match called off when melting snow causes the Omniturf pitch to shrink"

The best thing was the show was broadcast at 11.25 PM on Friday and then repeated on early Saturday evening so you got paid a 50% repeat fee for the joke for it being on the very next day!

You got paid for that?! Dont give up your day job.
 

Pogleswoody

R.I.P
Jul 3, 2006
20,748
4,410
72
Location Location
Balham_Green":1xawrfx8 said:
pafcprogs":1xawrfx8 said:
Each to their own I guess....

Many moons ago there was a Radio 4 programme called Week Ending....at the end of each show they had a section called Next Weeks News ( the MOS has ripped it off recently) which basically took a story from this week and twisted it.


The first joke I ever sold for cash type money was this one. twas a long time ago though...

"Queens Park Rangers are the only team to have their match called off when melting snow causes the Omniturf pitch to shrink"

The best thing was the show was broadcast at 11.25 PM on Friday and then repeated on early Saturday evening so you got paid a 50% repeat fee for the joke for it being on the very next day!

You got paid for that?! Dont give up your day job.

Surely it should have been called Weak Ending?? :lol:
 

pafcprogs

🌟 Pasoti Laureate 🌟
Apr 3, 2008
1,128
2,583
Westerham Kent
There's no money in writing....and I have an optioned screenplay (three times) to my name....

But creating something original is always worth the effort....you should try it one day Balham :)

And I am pretty sure they knew the double meaning when they named the show Pogles....

When I first stated work for Ford after I graduated two if the guys in my office used to write for the Two Ronnies and regularly had one lines and sketches used ....they did the gag about the London Underworld fence who died when he fell off the back of a lorry...and I sold a few gags over the years but writing for me is a hobby not a vocation

And one thing I learned is that the only criticism you can happily ignore is "I don't like it" because it tells you nothing except that they are not your audience....
 

Quinny

Cream First
Jul 15, 2006
5,839
1,235
53
Kenton, Devon
Old joke and recycled many times, but this is my favourite (or at least a variant of it):

Argentina were supposed to play Scotland in an international match in a warm up for the World Cup, but the night before the game Scaloni didn't want to risk his first choice squad in a game he thought was beneath him. "Don't worry, boss" says Messi. "You can rest the team. I can play against this lot on my own." Scaloni agrees, and he and the rest of the team stay back at the hotel.

The game kicks off and, after a few minutes Scaloni checks the score: Argentina 1 Scotland 0 (Messi 2nd minute). He relaxes and goes off to the restaurant for something to eat. At the end of the game he checks the score and is horrified to see Argentina 1 Scotland 1 (Naismith 89th minute). He hurries to the stadium to see Messi hobbling out. "What happened?" Scaloni asks "Sorry, boss" Messi replies. "I got injured and had to go off after 10 minutes.".

Well, I think it's funny.
 
Jan 20, 2004
1,154
364
I heard recently the Leicester City manager who lead them to the Premiership title gave up football management to become a weather forecaster.

I can't remember his name right now, but heard it will be cloudier and rainier tomorrow than it was today.
 
Jan 2, 2010
1,553
227
Balham_Green":2mjfhbtc said:
pafcprogs":2mjfhbtc said:
Each to their own I guess....

Many moons ago there was a Radio 4 programme called Week Ending....at the end of each show they had a section called Next Weeks News ( the MOS has ripped it off recently) which basically took a story from this week and twisted it.


The first joke I ever sold for cash type money was this one. twas a long time ago though...

"Queens Park Rangers are the only team to have their match called off when melting snow causes the Omniturf pitch to shrink"

The best thing was the show was broadcast at 11.25 PM on Friday and then repeated on early Saturday evening so you got paid a 50% repeat fee for the joke for it being on the very next day!

You got paid for that?! Dont give up your day job.
I don't geddit?
 
Nov 9, 2008
244
0
A teacher asks their class what football teams they support. 29 of the children say they support Liverpool while one of them says they’re a United fan. The teacher asks them why they’re a United fan and the child shrugs and tells them that’s its because her parents are United fans. The teacher challenges this, asking the child what they would do if their mum was a prostitute and their dad was a drug dealer. The child smiles at the teacher and says that then they’d be a Liverpool fan.