One Press Conference at a Time: You’re Only Here for the Camels
Devon Port High v Sutton High United (H) FA Cup 3rd Round January 6th
It was Harold Wilson who may or may not have said (when asked he could not recall it) that a week is a long time in Politics.
He should try football then.
It seems a lifetime ago that Argyle played Watford in a match, played in dreadful conditions but the most willing and committed in spirit from both sides. Once again those of us exiled and reliant on Sky were assailed by regular reports from a reporter who gradually egged up the scale until, at 3-2 to Argyle, having trailed, led, been pulled back and then leading again, he announced it was ,” the best first half he had ever seen.” Tell that to the St Johns Ambulance staff dealing with the crowd.
Included in that was the final goal of the Finn Azaz era, a simply sumptuous side foot volley from a corner that arced unerringly into the side netting, leaving Watford Man of the Match Ben Hamer helpless. Azaz then enhanced his legacy buy setting free man of the moment for Argyle Morgan Whittaker. His cut back onto the left foot, so deadly of late, was blocked, only for his standing leg, the right, to show it also has power and accuracy as he lashed the rebound past Hamer. Hamer wasn’t even able to make the traditional despairing dive. It was past him that quickly.
If those two efforts had erased the memory of a typically shambolic piece of defending that allowed Watford opener, a worldie of their own drew Watford level. Then a lightning fast break, a perfect first time clip from Whittaker to Hardie and a superb near post strike meant the game was tilted back to the Greens in time for half time oranges and defensive counselling for both teams from trained psychiatric professionals.
The second half saw another lax goal conceded by Argyle, and then the subs arrived to allow domination but no winner, mainly though the excellence of Hamers reflexes, although Hazard too made some fine stops of his own throughout.
Exhilarating, entertaining and sooner or later we are going to convert one of these multiple three threes to a four three win, the Green Army left to reflect on the result, and the expected announcement of the new head coach.
But with January, named for the two headed Roman god Janus, you have to be ready to have your head turned, and very rapidly news was appearing of two instances of such an eventuality. Firstly, the dependable Gillesphey was spotted at Charlton watching their defence capitulate to an Oxford side who themselves have upward ambitions. If the move goes through Argyle recoup a six figure sum apparently.
And then the turmoil that shows that the maxim of never fall in love with a loanee is founded in truth.
Whatever you can say about Finn Azaz he knows how to make an entrance, and indeed an exit. Scorer of the first goal of the promotion season against Barnsley at Home Park on debut to secure the first three points of that epic season. Then, after an injury spell, gainer of the penalty that helped dispose of Derby at home and ending his first loan by striking the decisive third of a Championship winning win at Port Vale.
His return, the final part of the triumvirate of returning loanees, but this time the only one not a Green in full but still a Villain, his form has been immaculate, especially at home with the goal against Norwich and his final tour de force, simply the cherries on a Belgian Bun of excellence.
Unfortunately the economics of football and FFP means that clubs like Villa can stockpile talent and then sell on what they cannot use like a cross between eBay and the Roman slave market, and in this case their choice of commodity was the in demand Azaz.
Perhaps the only solace Argyle fans can take from the departure of this player was that, unlike his departed leader, who called Azaz the most intelligent footballer he had met, Azaz did not disappoint him in that regard, and so did not choose Stoke.
Instead, the departed midfielder elected to join serial Argyle disappointer Michael Carrick, who, having already frustrated the club by his last minute three point turn on loaning us Josh Coburn, doubled down and spent a cool 2.5 million on the self-effacing young talent. Go well Finn and a possible debut against Villa. This man writes his own scripts.
His departure displayed the same calm grace of his performances, with a generous message of thanks to the somewhat discombobulated fans he was leaving behind. His sign off performance means he will long be remembered for his contribution to a green and golden period in the history of the club.
To add insult to injury, rumours are already circulating around the potential for Cundle, his most likely successor in the current squad, to be similarly touted by his parent club. As anyone who attended on Saturday, and that includes our owner, Simon Hallett, knows, it never rains.
The presence of our owner takes us to the final piece of pressing business, and I have to say with no hint of hyperbole, a OGAAT exclusive.
I am therefore taking you to the exclusive meeting room of a well appointed Travelodge in the general environs of a major UK Airport, where three senior members of Argyles board are meeting to consider who will be appointed the next custodian of team selection.
On the board room table are several piles of applications, and for brevity I have used initials as we get a once in a lifetime insight into the inner workings of our team.
SH: Does anyone know how this bleddy coffee machine works?
ND: Sorry boss, Nance brings mine every morning.
AP: I’ll ring down to reception and see if anyone can bring some up.
He goes to the phone and calls reception.
SH: So where do we start. The big pile?
ND: No Simon, that’s the pile of applicants from, (he consults the summary sheet he has been handed by AP) timewasters, Pasoti members, people who think playing Football Manager makes them a suitable candidate and, er Paul Cook.
SH: Not him again. Which voice is he using this time?
AP: They are sending up a bell boy with the coffee.
SH: And biscuits?
AP: Of course, custard creams and bourbons.
ND sighs.
AP: Only kidding. And chocolate hobnobs Neil.
SH. Right, so we can bin that lot. How about these? (points at a small pile)
AP: So, these are the ones that are from people we have either beaten or who have mugged us off in press interviews after we have beaten them. And Colin.
SH: Quite a few then. I presume we just bin them too.
AP: Yes, but we will invite them down to Plymouth for a chat first, then text them with a cancellation when we reckon they will be about halfway down. Not Colin. I can do him at half time against Sutton.
SH: Nice one. Now what about the ones we want to consider?
ND: Well, here is the pile I selected from.
SH starts to flick through.
SH. Liverpool, Liverpool, Liverpool, Liverpool. Knotty Ash? That sound exotic.
AP: It’s in Liverpool boss. As you know, we have a good set of contacts in Liverpool, me and Dewy.
ND: It is a soccer hotbed. Can’t really go wrong with Liverpool.
SH. Well, that is true. We did get two promotions under Scousers. I did think we might cast the net a bit wider this time.
ND: What, like Tranmere?
SH: Well, I was thinking abroad.
AP: So, definitely Tranmere then? I can give Adkins a bell. Plus he can do the physio too.
SH: I don’t know. We want a young progressive type don’t we? Someone with some world football experience. A great contacts book. (He looks up at ND and AP) Not Wazzer.
AP & ND: Ooohhh! Pity
There is a knock at the door. A uniformed bellboy, with slickly brylcreemed hair, walks in and places the tray of coffees on the table. He glances at the CV pile.
BB: I could do that. Gissajob.
SH: Seriously Ryan. Get sacked first can’t you. And where are the biscuits? ( under his breath) How lucky were we?
AP ushers the bell boy out, still muttering “gissajob” under his breath. Simon takes a drink of coffee and spits it out.
SH: That is so bad.
ND: Well to be fair, Shuey used to be the coffee maker in the partnership. Lowey was more the froth on top man.
AP: Look we have to make a choice soon. Otherwise I am going to spend all next week writing to the next (checks phone) forty three obscure foreign coaches that Pasoti has unearthed. And Tony Pulis.
The room phone rings.
AP. Hello. Yes that’s us. No, he can’t have a job. No not even making the coffee. No, not even if he has elocution lessons.
SH: Lowey again?
AP: No Paul Cook. I think he followed him down the motorway.
ND: So, I think I may have a solution. Just the man. He is young, coaching abroad for his last two jobs. Great contacts book. And he is from Liverpool.
AP: Of course. Stevie G.
SH: Can we afford him? And by we, I mean Jane.
ND: I can make a few calls. See if he is going to get the boot soon?
SH: (pushing away his coffee) I’m sorry. I can’t drink that muck anymore. I fancy a Fosters.
AP and ND both lunge at a pile of CV’s on the table.
AP & ND: Boss. I think we may have cracked it. You're a genius.
SH: I know. Pass me a hobnob.
So there you have it. The inside track on the newest occupant of the best job in football.
His first task, to assemble a side to overcome the might of Sutton United, almost the strongest side in the league as they hold up the ninety above them, who make their first ever pilgrimage to the Theatre of Greens for the 3rd round tie.
The Gander Green based club who recently joined the League having won the National League as somewhat of a surprise to themselves, when the then manager, himself recently axed, Matt Gray failed to achieve his set goal of staying up by winning the title with a game to spare.
Their arrival in the League, after 123 years of non-league existence was something of a shock to their system. A local club with a 3G pitch that brought in substantial local revenue, they were forced to replace this with a grass pitch as the EFL no longer allow artificial surfaces. With the loss of the pitch and the promotion they also lost the rather excellently named derby against Bromley, known locally as El Plastico.
Sutton are known for their cup activity, with their greatest achievement being a win over then Division One side Coventry City in 1989, one of the greatest shocks in the game. The next round was more realistic, as they lost 8-0 at Norwich City.
They were also heavily defeated when they hosted Don Revies 1970 Leeds side, in what remains the record crowd at Gander Green Lane, thanks to the importation of bench seats from the Oval to allow a crowd of 14,000. The unimpressed Revie, who felt the new seats allowed to easy access to the pitch for fans, prepared in his normal meticulous way, even training on a small local ground so the players would get used to seeing more sky behind the goals thatn they were used to.
A virtually full-strength side led by four goal Allan Clarke trounced United six nil, in a side that featured Dario Gradi. Revie returned to the club to sign full back John Faulkner, mainly as cover. The ex-Sutton player had a bad start to his Leeds career, scoring an own goal on his debut against Burnley before fracturing a knee against Manchester City, but went on to a decent career at Luton Town.
The game was also the last ever match shown on Pathe News, the cinema-based newsreel company going bust shortly after it covered the game.
More recently TV played a role in Suttons cup tie against Arsenal, when sub goalie Wayne Shaw was spotted, apparently sponsored in a bet, munching a pie in the dugout. The “roly poly goalkeeper” as the apparently 23 stone Shaw was known was, remarkably a former teammate of Matt le Tissier and Alan Shearer at Southampton, before being released over his weight issues.
Fined and banned for the offence, Sutton were ousted by the Gunners (Sutton having earned the tie by beating their old nemesis Leeds United) and Shaw retired, although he was offered a job at Morrisons locally as their official pie taster. We should leave a Ginsters on the subs bench just in case.
Sutton will be hoping to join Gateshead as the only other side to, of all Argyles F A Cup one hit wonders, win at Home Park. Argyle will be hoping to start the Foster era with a cup win and doubtless an away game in the fourth round at either Stoke or Middlesbrough. At least we can cup-tie Cundle for the former.
It's been a week we won’t forget. So let’s move onto the important stuff and play some football.
COYG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stop press:
SH: Should this be embargoed?
AP: Too late. It’ll be all over Pasoti by now.
SH: Ok. Press send then.
Devon Port High v Sutton High United (H) FA Cup 3rd Round January 6th
It was Harold Wilson who may or may not have said (when asked he could not recall it) that a week is a long time in Politics.
He should try football then.
It seems a lifetime ago that Argyle played Watford in a match, played in dreadful conditions but the most willing and committed in spirit from both sides. Once again those of us exiled and reliant on Sky were assailed by regular reports from a reporter who gradually egged up the scale until, at 3-2 to Argyle, having trailed, led, been pulled back and then leading again, he announced it was ,” the best first half he had ever seen.” Tell that to the St Johns Ambulance staff dealing with the crowd.
Included in that was the final goal of the Finn Azaz era, a simply sumptuous side foot volley from a corner that arced unerringly into the side netting, leaving Watford Man of the Match Ben Hamer helpless. Azaz then enhanced his legacy buy setting free man of the moment for Argyle Morgan Whittaker. His cut back onto the left foot, so deadly of late, was blocked, only for his standing leg, the right, to show it also has power and accuracy as he lashed the rebound past Hamer. Hamer wasn’t even able to make the traditional despairing dive. It was past him that quickly.
If those two efforts had erased the memory of a typically shambolic piece of defending that allowed Watford opener, a worldie of their own drew Watford level. Then a lightning fast break, a perfect first time clip from Whittaker to Hardie and a superb near post strike meant the game was tilted back to the Greens in time for half time oranges and defensive counselling for both teams from trained psychiatric professionals.
The second half saw another lax goal conceded by Argyle, and then the subs arrived to allow domination but no winner, mainly though the excellence of Hamers reflexes, although Hazard too made some fine stops of his own throughout.
Exhilarating, entertaining and sooner or later we are going to convert one of these multiple three threes to a four three win, the Green Army left to reflect on the result, and the expected announcement of the new head coach.
But with January, named for the two headed Roman god Janus, you have to be ready to have your head turned, and very rapidly news was appearing of two instances of such an eventuality. Firstly, the dependable Gillesphey was spotted at Charlton watching their defence capitulate to an Oxford side who themselves have upward ambitions. If the move goes through Argyle recoup a six figure sum apparently.
And then the turmoil that shows that the maxim of never fall in love with a loanee is founded in truth.
Whatever you can say about Finn Azaz he knows how to make an entrance, and indeed an exit. Scorer of the first goal of the promotion season against Barnsley at Home Park on debut to secure the first three points of that epic season. Then, after an injury spell, gainer of the penalty that helped dispose of Derby at home and ending his first loan by striking the decisive third of a Championship winning win at Port Vale.
His return, the final part of the triumvirate of returning loanees, but this time the only one not a Green in full but still a Villain, his form has been immaculate, especially at home with the goal against Norwich and his final tour de force, simply the cherries on a Belgian Bun of excellence.
Unfortunately the economics of football and FFP means that clubs like Villa can stockpile talent and then sell on what they cannot use like a cross between eBay and the Roman slave market, and in this case their choice of commodity was the in demand Azaz.
Perhaps the only solace Argyle fans can take from the departure of this player was that, unlike his departed leader, who called Azaz the most intelligent footballer he had met, Azaz did not disappoint him in that regard, and so did not choose Stoke.
Instead, the departed midfielder elected to join serial Argyle disappointer Michael Carrick, who, having already frustrated the club by his last minute three point turn on loaning us Josh Coburn, doubled down and spent a cool 2.5 million on the self-effacing young talent. Go well Finn and a possible debut against Villa. This man writes his own scripts.
His departure displayed the same calm grace of his performances, with a generous message of thanks to the somewhat discombobulated fans he was leaving behind. His sign off performance means he will long be remembered for his contribution to a green and golden period in the history of the club.
To add insult to injury, rumours are already circulating around the potential for Cundle, his most likely successor in the current squad, to be similarly touted by his parent club. As anyone who attended on Saturday, and that includes our owner, Simon Hallett, knows, it never rains.
The presence of our owner takes us to the final piece of pressing business, and I have to say with no hint of hyperbole, a OGAAT exclusive.
I am therefore taking you to the exclusive meeting room of a well appointed Travelodge in the general environs of a major UK Airport, where three senior members of Argyles board are meeting to consider who will be appointed the next custodian of team selection.
On the board room table are several piles of applications, and for brevity I have used initials as we get a once in a lifetime insight into the inner workings of our team.
SH: Does anyone know how this bleddy coffee machine works?
ND: Sorry boss, Nance brings mine every morning.
AP: I’ll ring down to reception and see if anyone can bring some up.
He goes to the phone and calls reception.
SH: So where do we start. The big pile?
ND: No Simon, that’s the pile of applicants from, (he consults the summary sheet he has been handed by AP) timewasters, Pasoti members, people who think playing Football Manager makes them a suitable candidate and, er Paul Cook.
SH: Not him again. Which voice is he using this time?
AP: They are sending up a bell boy with the coffee.
SH: And biscuits?
AP: Of course, custard creams and bourbons.
ND sighs.
AP: Only kidding. And chocolate hobnobs Neil.
SH. Right, so we can bin that lot. How about these? (points at a small pile)
AP: So, these are the ones that are from people we have either beaten or who have mugged us off in press interviews after we have beaten them. And Colin.
SH: Quite a few then. I presume we just bin them too.
AP: Yes, but we will invite them down to Plymouth for a chat first, then text them with a cancellation when we reckon they will be about halfway down. Not Colin. I can do him at half time against Sutton.
SH: Nice one. Now what about the ones we want to consider?
ND: Well, here is the pile I selected from.
SH starts to flick through.
SH. Liverpool, Liverpool, Liverpool, Liverpool. Knotty Ash? That sound exotic.
AP: It’s in Liverpool boss. As you know, we have a good set of contacts in Liverpool, me and Dewy.
ND: It is a soccer hotbed. Can’t really go wrong with Liverpool.
SH. Well, that is true. We did get two promotions under Scousers. I did think we might cast the net a bit wider this time.
ND: What, like Tranmere?
SH: Well, I was thinking abroad.
AP: So, definitely Tranmere then? I can give Adkins a bell. Plus he can do the physio too.
SH: I don’t know. We want a young progressive type don’t we? Someone with some world football experience. A great contacts book. (He looks up at ND and AP) Not Wazzer.
AP & ND: Ooohhh! Pity
There is a knock at the door. A uniformed bellboy, with slickly brylcreemed hair, walks in and places the tray of coffees on the table. He glances at the CV pile.
BB: I could do that. Gissajob.
SH: Seriously Ryan. Get sacked first can’t you. And where are the biscuits? ( under his breath) How lucky were we?
AP ushers the bell boy out, still muttering “gissajob” under his breath. Simon takes a drink of coffee and spits it out.
SH: That is so bad.
ND: Well to be fair, Shuey used to be the coffee maker in the partnership. Lowey was more the froth on top man.
AP: Look we have to make a choice soon. Otherwise I am going to spend all next week writing to the next (checks phone) forty three obscure foreign coaches that Pasoti has unearthed. And Tony Pulis.
The room phone rings.
AP. Hello. Yes that’s us. No, he can’t have a job. No not even making the coffee. No, not even if he has elocution lessons.
SH: Lowey again?
AP: No Paul Cook. I think he followed him down the motorway.
ND: So, I think I may have a solution. Just the man. He is young, coaching abroad for his last two jobs. Great contacts book. And he is from Liverpool.
AP: Of course. Stevie G.
SH: Can we afford him? And by we, I mean Jane.
ND: I can make a few calls. See if he is going to get the boot soon?
SH: (pushing away his coffee) I’m sorry. I can’t drink that muck anymore. I fancy a Fosters.
AP and ND both lunge at a pile of CV’s on the table.
AP & ND: Boss. I think we may have cracked it. You're a genius.
SH: I know. Pass me a hobnob.
So there you have it. The inside track on the newest occupant of the best job in football.
His first task, to assemble a side to overcome the might of Sutton United, almost the strongest side in the league as they hold up the ninety above them, who make their first ever pilgrimage to the Theatre of Greens for the 3rd round tie.
The Gander Green based club who recently joined the League having won the National League as somewhat of a surprise to themselves, when the then manager, himself recently axed, Matt Gray failed to achieve his set goal of staying up by winning the title with a game to spare.
Their arrival in the League, after 123 years of non-league existence was something of a shock to their system. A local club with a 3G pitch that brought in substantial local revenue, they were forced to replace this with a grass pitch as the EFL no longer allow artificial surfaces. With the loss of the pitch and the promotion they also lost the rather excellently named derby against Bromley, known locally as El Plastico.
Sutton are known for their cup activity, with their greatest achievement being a win over then Division One side Coventry City in 1989, one of the greatest shocks in the game. The next round was more realistic, as they lost 8-0 at Norwich City.
They were also heavily defeated when they hosted Don Revies 1970 Leeds side, in what remains the record crowd at Gander Green Lane, thanks to the importation of bench seats from the Oval to allow a crowd of 14,000. The unimpressed Revie, who felt the new seats allowed to easy access to the pitch for fans, prepared in his normal meticulous way, even training on a small local ground so the players would get used to seeing more sky behind the goals thatn they were used to.
A virtually full-strength side led by four goal Allan Clarke trounced United six nil, in a side that featured Dario Gradi. Revie returned to the club to sign full back John Faulkner, mainly as cover. The ex-Sutton player had a bad start to his Leeds career, scoring an own goal on his debut against Burnley before fracturing a knee against Manchester City, but went on to a decent career at Luton Town.
The game was also the last ever match shown on Pathe News, the cinema-based newsreel company going bust shortly after it covered the game.
More recently TV played a role in Suttons cup tie against Arsenal, when sub goalie Wayne Shaw was spotted, apparently sponsored in a bet, munching a pie in the dugout. The “roly poly goalkeeper” as the apparently 23 stone Shaw was known was, remarkably a former teammate of Matt le Tissier and Alan Shearer at Southampton, before being released over his weight issues.
Fined and banned for the offence, Sutton were ousted by the Gunners (Sutton having earned the tie by beating their old nemesis Leeds United) and Shaw retired, although he was offered a job at Morrisons locally as their official pie taster. We should leave a Ginsters on the subs bench just in case.
Sutton will be hoping to join Gateshead as the only other side to, of all Argyles F A Cup one hit wonders, win at Home Park. Argyle will be hoping to start the Foster era with a cup win and doubtless an away game in the fourth round at either Stoke or Middlesbrough. At least we can cup-tie Cundle for the former.
It's been a week we won’t forget. So let’s move onto the important stuff and play some football.
COYG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stop press:
SH: Should this be embargoed?
AP: Too late. It’ll be all over Pasoti by now.
SH: Ok. Press send then.
Last edited:
