New jokes appreciated

[Ottawa Green]

What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?

Bison.

Why do French people eat snails?

They don’t like fast food.

What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.

“Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?

He won the ‘no-bell’ prize.”

 

[Ottawa Green]

 

[AdelaideGreen]

Two Australian men are in the outback and they see a dingo resting on a large flat rock. They stop to admire the animal and after a while the dingo sits up, doubles over as canines do, and starts licking his own .. (well you get the idea). One man sighs and says “I wish I could do that!” The other says “Give it a go mate, but pat him on the head first, he looks kind of fierce to me.”

 

[German Shepherd]

I was watching TV last night when there was a very loud knock on the door. I opened the door to be confronted by a burly police officer :

'There's been a number of complaints that your dogs have been chasing people on bikes'

'That's impossible officer, my dogs don't have any bikes'.

 

[deathadder]

Two old men, Bert and Stan, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about Football. Bert turns to Stan and asks, "Do you think there's Football in Heaven?"
Stan thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's Football in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Bert passes on. Soon afterward, Stan sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Stan... Stan... ."
Stan responds, "Bert! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Stan," whispers Bert's ghost.
Stan, still amazed, asks, "So, is there Football in Heaven?"
"Well," says Bert, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Stan.
Bert says, "Well, there is Football in Heaven."
Stan says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?"
Bert sighs and whispers, "You're in goal on Friday!!.

 

[Brussels Bureaucrat]

Who are the coolest people in the hospital? The ultrasound people!

Who fills in for them when they're on holiday? The hip replacement people.

 

[deathadder]

I just won my first ever cage fight, the poor budgie didn't know what hit it.

 

[deathadder]

Dad 'Son, I killed 12 men during my time in the army'.

Son 'You were a cook'.

Dad 'I didn't say I was a good one'

 

[West Norwood Green]

What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?

Bison.

Why do French people eat snails?

They don’t like fast food.

What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.

“Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?

He won the ‘no-bell’ prize.”

I’d kill to win the Nobel peace prize

 

[German Shepherd]

I was walking down a country lane the other day & a bloke passed me on a tractor shouting out 'THE END OF THE WORLD IS NIGH, WE ARE ALL DOOMED'.
I turned to a man walking along the lane & asked who on earth is that:
'Farmer Geddon' he replied.

 

[Brussels Bureaucrat]

As I handed my Dad his 84th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes, and said...

"You know, one would have been plenty".

 

[mervyn]

My Grandson Sam got me on this one. He asked me ‘what do you call a bloke with a block of wood on his head?’. I pretended I didn’t know, and let him tell me ‘Edward’. I knew what was coming next, and sure enough he asked ‘ what do you call a bloke with three blocks of wood on his head’, and as I expected he told me ‘Edward Woodward’. But then he really got me, asking ‘what do you call a bloke with four blocks of wood on his head?’. ‘ I don’t know Sam’ was my honest answer. ‘I don’t know either Grandad’ he said, ‘but I tell you what, Edward Woodward would.’